SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

An Immodest Proposal

If it weren’t for an accountant named Buford M. Dash, we might never have learned about Trump’s new plan to eliminate illegal aliens, because, as far as we know, Trump’s emails have not been hacked by a “state-sponsored actor.” Hmm. Where’s Pootie when we need him?

Before the whistle-blowing incident, Mr. Dash worked for Pearl Pharma, the makers of OxyCrack, the world’s most addictive opioid. He was vaguely aware of the efforts of Pearl Pharma and others to bribe legislators in all 50 states to keep them from cracking down on the distribution of their product, which happens to kill over 165,000 Americans each year. But he could live with that.

What Mr. Dash couldn’t live with was the information he learned from a secret recording he made of the meeting between his boss, Dr. Mort Oribund and The Donald. “Nosiree,” he said to an AP (Assorted Press) reporter. “They went too far this time. They have to be stopped. The public has a right to know!”

The recording was a little scratchy, but here’s the transcript, unedited:

The Donald: “Dr. Oribund, I have a plan for you, one so fine it will make your head spin.”

Dr. Oribund: “Tell me.”

The Donald: “I’ll get right to the point. I have the greatest deal for you, you’re gonna love it! You see, after my trip to Mexico, it became obvious that I’m never gonna get my Great Wall. That lyin’ sniveling wuss of a President down there! And our Congress? A bunch of pansy-ass liberals. First, I was pissed, but, as I am the greatest businessman alive, a Trump Tower-sized light bulb went off in my money-maker — You! You have the answer to my Mexican problem!”

Dr. Oribund: “How’s that?”

The Donald: “I alone, with your help, of course, can rid this country of the unwashed brown people — the rapists, the criminals, the anchor babies! We can make America hate, uh, I mean great, uh, I mean white again!

“You already kill 165,000 people a year with your OxyCrack, which is legal. It’s legal, you crafty bastard! I’m proposing you increase your production a hundred-fold and that we distribute massive amounts to all the illegals in the country! Think of it—no need to rile up the second amendment folks. They’re too busy trying to bring down Hillary. No, the illegals will do themselves in.

The OxyCrack will make them stupid, the cost will make them poor, and it will also make them dead.

By the end of my first term, the number of illegals will be reduced to half, believe me! The other half we can deport, a few at a time, so as not to piss off the feminazis. Whaddya say?”

Dr. Oribund: “Go on.”

The Donald: “That’s only the start. I’ve also written up a plan for us to establish a chain of Donald Trump Day of the Dead Funeral Parlors. Get it? Your drug kills them, the Trump Parlors bury them and the families pay us for the privilege. Am I the greatest or what?”

Dr. Oribund: “Only one problem. If you kill off that many people, who’s left to buy my drugs?”

The Donald: “I and I alone have figured that out, my friend. Under my presidency, there will be so many despondent liberals — the Bernie Bros, those ugly-dog Hillary-ites, the ones bleeding from their eyes or, you know, wherever—they will hoover up your drugs by the truckload to dull the pain of their failures. New markets, my friend, new markets! Am I great or what?”

Dr. Moribund: “You are, indeed, Mr. Trump. When do we start?”

Rosie Sorenson of Richmond, Calif., is humor columnist for the Foolish Times whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News and other publications as well as popular anthologies, including the forthcoming The Magic of Memoir, edited by Brooke Warner and Dr. Linda Joy Meyers. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM in San Francisco in its Perspectives series. One of her essays for that series won the Listener Favorite Award. Email

From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2016

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