Мы все Русский Сейчас

(We’re All Russian Now)


It’s a good thing I like beets because I have a feeling that for the next four years we’re gonna be slammin’ down lots of borscht, laced with “wodka.” Lots of “wodka.” And looking over our shoulders every time we speak our minds about the Trump, er, I mean the Putin administration.

How did it happen that our long-time foe, Russia, hacked its way into Republican hearts and minds? If you’ll recall, in 2001, then-President George W. Bush became enthralled with Putin after Bush looked into Putin’s eyes and “got a sense of his soul” and found him to be “very straightforward and trustworthy.” I guess it’s no surprise that since then, others, too, have fallen under Putin’s spell.

According to Politico.com, Dec. 16, 2016: “Back in July 2014 just 10% of Republicans held a favorable view of Putin, according to a poll conducted by the Economist and YouGov. By September of 2016, that number rose to 24%.” Thanks, in part, to Trump, “... it’s even higher today: 37% of Republicans view Putin favorably, the poll found in December.”

If the numbers keep on climbing, Pootie could rise as high as 80% by Inauguration Day. I’ve even heard rumors that Russian oligarchs are rushing to obtain passports so they can visit their new homeland-annex, especially Disneyland, where fairy tales do come true.

But what are we to make of Trump’s bromance with Putin?

Keep this under your hats, but according to my source, Boris Sergeivich, aka, “Hairy Bear,” it happened this way.

Trump, being the lonely guy that he is with no pets and no friends other than his “datable” daughter, Ivanka, and her know-nothing brothers, signed on to the dark web dating site: www.dictatorsmatch.com where he placed the following ad:

Wanted: Strong-Armed Man to Share World Domination. Not Kidding.

“I’m, like, a smart silver-spooned businessman who scores high on the AMTA (Achievement Motivation Test for A-holes.) But it’s lonely at the top. Lonely. I want a billionaire partner like you.

I want to look into your eyes and see a thirst for blood and success at any cost. Extra points if you have nuclear missiles and cyber criminals at your disposal. No sex, just a little S&M from time to time. Must be able to keep secrets.”

The following day, Trump received his first and only reply:

“Long as I am top and you are bottom, I am your man. We go far in this dog-eat-s**t world, yes? But, first, tell. You live in United States, no? Fancy real estate there, on Christmas list. Would love white house.”

And so it came to pass on Christmas Eve that while you were out partying, a burglar entered your house, stole all your goods right under the nose of your neighbor, the town sheriff. When you returned to your empty home and asked him why he did nothing to stop the burglary, he just shrugged his bulky shoulders and said, “What burglary? I didn’t see no stinkin’ burglary. I don’t believe in burglary. Where you get that? Stinkin’ New York Times? You liberals go to hell.”

And with that, he laid a middle finger up the side of his nose and cried out:

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a Доброй ночи.”

Rosie Sorenson is humor columnist for the Foolish Times. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, February 1, 2017


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