SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

Let’s Make a Deal: Trump Buys Puerto Rico

In his biggest deal yet, President Trump announced that he just scooped up the island of Puerto Rico at a fire-sale price. The hedge funds and assorted mutual funds who have been holding Puerto Rico’s debt snapped up Trump’s low-ball offer faster than you can say “No!” The Chief Investment Officer of Autonomy Capital, said, “We’re most grateful to President Trump for the bailout. We don’t know what we would have done without him.”

Trump said, “It’s a great, great deal—that’s what I do—make deals. Puerto Rico is a trash heap right now—of course it wasn’t in great shape before—but I can turn it into THE BEST RESORT ever. After all ‘Puerto Rico’ means rich port. When I’ve completed my renovations, it will once again be the rich port. How perfect is that? How great am I!

“I’m doing them a favor, you know. They don’t have the money to restore the island, but I do. I send them financial aid at the taxpayer’s expense, then take it over and privatize it. Everyone except a Democrat knows that governments run better when they’re privatized and managed by a strong man. Just look at the Philippines.

“My sons and I thought it would be the best way to bail the people out. They’ll never get their act together to run their own country. They’re not capable of it. The sky’s the limit for me and my boys.

“The best part of it is that since the residents of Puerto Rico are citizens of the United States, they can move here and take over the jobs no longer done by immigrants. As you know, I’ve deported quite a few of those rapists and criminals. Good jobs, too — working outdoors in the sun, getting physical exercise. Picking berries is a great workout. I’m surprised some major Hollywood star hasn’t produced a work-out video—‘Getting Fit the Berry Way.’ Halle Berry could even produce it—she hasn’t had a hit in awhile and she’s long in the tooth—this would be a wonderful career move for her.

“But you know, some residents are protesting that they’re being sold by Trump into cheap labor. Look, they don’t have jobs now—they’re just lazing around — this is for their own good. Barbara Bush had it right when she commented on the Hurricane Katrina victims sheltered in Houston’s Astrodome: “So many of the people in the arena here were underprivileged, anyway, so this is working very well for them.” Same with Puerto Ricans — lucky for them that they’re citizens and that I’m their president.

“After a few months in a berry patch, or on a dairy farm (I heard Wisconsin is begging for more help with their dairy cows) they’ll feel better than ever about themselves. They’ll be productive, they’ll be earning a wage. But don’t come crying to me about a ‘living’ wage—that’s a hoax made up by Chuck and Nancy. I have secured promises from all their future corporate employers that workers will be provided with shelter, some food and water. It’s a win-win.

“Isn’t this why you hired me?”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at:

From The Progressive Populist, November 1, 2017

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