SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

Trump 3.0: The AIs Have It

Washington, DC, 2047 — The city is still recovering from the devastating nuclear war with North Korea, triggered in 2017 by the new president’s father, Donald Trump. The entire West Coast was incinerated, the Korean Peninsula reduced to rubble and ash. Citizens of the nation’s capitol are now living out their “new normal” in hazmat suits.

President Baron Trump, posing in his protective bubble on a golden throne, dressed in a red velvet gown with white ermine accents, is about to deliver the first public speech of his presidency. He’s facing the bigly crowd from the West Front of the Capitol where the oath of office was administered to his father decades before. His trademark saffron hair has been sprayed and elevated into a pompadour. He feels closest to his dad at times like this.

President Baron Trump rises. All around him, robots and humanoids alike, rise.

“People of the Plutocracy, hear me well. Mark this day on your calendar. I’m here to inform you of two important decisions.” He raises his hand to show his first two stubby fingers.

“During the campaign I heard you loud and clear about how opposed you were to the influx of immigrant robots. They were taking jobs from our own domestic robots, you said. They were ruining the economy and the culture, you said. You were outraged.

“So, tomorrow noon, I will sign an executive order banning further issuance of special H2R1 visas for these immigrant robots. Those who are currently working in the US will be rounded up and deported to their country of origin, mostly China. We can no longer allow them to roll through our borders where they work at half the pay of our domestic robots and undermine our economy.

“As I’ve said before, I support American jobs for American robots and their families." Applause rang out as far as the ear could hear.

“The second issue is self-shooting guns. As you know, we’ve done well with self-driving cars and self-driving trucks. The logical next step was, of course, self-shooting guns. Our friends at the NRA have vouchsafed the effectiveness of these weapons. And, God knows, we need self-shooting guns now more than ever. The bump fire stocks of my father’s era are inadequate to the task at hand.

"Congress, as you know, is a diverse body, 50% of whose members are humanoids, 50% robots. Zero percent are humans, except for me. I’m the Queen Bee, or in my case, the King. At the apogee of The Singularity, where the best and brightest humans became fully integrated with technology, millions of leftover humans were made redundant. They are a drain upon our resources. Government welfare for them is driving up the deficit and we simply can no longer sustain that level of red ink.

"Times have changed, my friends. Because robots have taken over 95% of American jobs, we now have an enormous surplus of these humans. It’s time to cull the herd. Therefore, starting tomorrow, I will eliminate humans from the Endangered Species list and declare upon them open hunting season.

"I realize that some old-fashioned types think these self-shooting guns are nothing but the lazy hit man’s best friend. Where’s the sport in that, they complain? The shooter is not even required to actually pull a trigger. He just has to sit behind the robotic console in his living room, drinking his beer while his drone transports his gun to the assigned target area. For him it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Only he’s not the one doing the shooting, is he? It’s his pre-programmed gun does the deed.

“Ah, the beauty of technology!

“My father would be proud.”

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at:

From The Progressive Populist, November 15, 2017

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