SATIRE/ Rosie Sorenson

Time Magazine’s Person of the Year:
The Weaponized Penis

The Weaponized Penis was recently named Time magazine’s “Person” of the Year. Sales are exploding due in part to the salacious nature of the cover, but one cannot ignore the centrality of the penis in the eruption of sexual harassment claims.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a big fan of penises ever since I learned what to do with them. So it pains me greatly to see that they have been weaponized in men’s war on women, to frighten and humiliate women á la Louis C.K. who admittedly whipped out his johnson to play with it in front of his underlings. In what universe did he think his penis was, a) a thing of such beauty that any woman trapped in his office would be awestruck, or b) so Hunchback-of-Notre-Dame ugly as to scare the beejezus out of her so she’d have to run away to the bathroom and puke? In either case, he, not his penis, is just a sad delusional old man.

And, Harvey Weinstein? Don’t get me started on the visual of that fat bastard dropping his towel. Again — to what end? Someone should have told him that the way to a woman’s heart and other body parts requires chocolate, flowers and a kind word. But there he’s been for 30 years in all his naked, wretched glory attempting to — what? Rape? Pillage? Plunder? But, see, here’s the thing: As any woman knows, when a man’s that fat, you can barely find the damn thing, even if it stands up to salute. Not exactly an aphrodisiac.

For years, or millennia, really, men like Louis C.K., Harvey and Charlie and Matt have been debasing a very fine body part in the service of terrifying women. I think it’s high time that penises organize to form a union, “The United Penis Workers Union of America” to stop men from making them perform in a hostile work environment. It’s not good for the woman, it’s not good for the man and it’s certainly not good for the penis.

From now on, penises should go, not on a sit-down strike, but a on a lie-down strike, refusing to get up unless and until their bosses stop abusing them by forcing them to humiliate themselves day after day after woman after woman after day after night. You think penises don’t have feelings about how they wish to be employed? Shame, shame.

And another thing. You know we’ve sunk lower than low when Democrats resort to defending Anthony Weiner, the master of sexting teenagers, by making the comment, “Well, unlike Roy Moore, at least he didn’t ‘date’ them, or touch them, or threaten them.” Say now, there’s a recommendation.

Come on, male people. Grow the eff up. If you’re nice to your penis, and obey its union’s rules, your penis will be nice to you.

It’s time to put Penisgate to bed.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: Editor’s Note: This column was written before Time magazine named its actual Person of the Year. We regret the error.

From The Progressive Populist, January 1-15, 2018

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