SATIRE/Rosie Sorenson

The Last Man Standing: Kevin J. from Boise, Idaho

According to the 2010 United States Census, there were approximately 115,170,958 men over the age of 18 in the US. If only 5% of them are harassers or rapists, it means that there are 5,758,547 men in this country to be on the lookout for.

If they were to be outed, say, over a five-year period, that would mean 95,975 men would have to be exposed each month, or 23,993 per week. Now, tell me, in what universe do we have that kind of time? Each network, broadcasting 24/7, has only 672 hours available every week for our viewing pleasure. Nine networks would have to devote their time to nothing but exposing these men, leaving little time for a commercial, that is, if they could find a company to buy air time on their channel. How would they advertise? “Stay tuned for the latest update on ‘Douchebags Not to Date,’ hosted by Jerry Springer.”

In the meantime, many of the 119,393,112 women in the US over the age of 18 are still being harassed and/or raped. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, more than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking in their lifetime. If we add in the number of women who are being sexually harassed, but without violence or rape, we might conservatively reach a total of 40% of adult women, or 47,757,244 who are being abused in one way or another right this minute.

Calculating the arithmetical mean, this averages out to 8.29 women per harasser. That would be only a part-time job for some men; for others, the numbers would be much higher, a la Harvey Weinstein, who apparently logged in thousands of women during his 30-year career of Extreme Jackassery. How did he have time to produce movies, so busy was he in exposing his penis?

At the rate we’re going in outing these SOB’s, there will, in only 25 years, be one man left standing: Kevin J. of Boise, Idaho. And even he might be suspect.

Is this how we’d like our civilization to end: Not with a bang, but a denial?

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

From The Progressive Populist, June 1, 2018

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