Ever since Vladimir Putin announced his plans to attack Ukraine, and then actually launched a war, which is going badly for him, his mental status has been under scrutiny. People who have known him for years are now describing him as “unhinged,” and no longer the organized, controlled dictator he used to be.
Now we know why.
The rumor mill at the Kremlin has it that when Putin disappeared for at least two months in September, 2021, he was suffering from COVID-19.
According to recent research conducted at Oxford University, COVID-19 can cause the brain to shrink, and even in mild cases patients showed a “worsening of executive function responsible for focus and organizing, and that on average brain sizes shrank between 0.2% and 2%.”
Putin’s id for power is taking a beating. And losing up to 2% of his dictator brain? That would help to explain why he recently reached out to BetterHelp, the new online therapy service.
“Hello, how can I help you today?” says the receptionist.
“Feeling down two weeks. Can I talk to someone?” says Putin.
“Sure.”
“Maybe someone who speaks Russian? English not so good.”
“Certainly.”
A therapist named Nadia comes online. “Сэр, чем я могу вам помоч? (Sir, how can I help you today?)
“Работа не ладится. (“Job not going so well.”)
“What’s wrong?”
“Important job, men I send not very good, am worried.”
“Are you afraid you will lose your job?”
“Nyet. I am job.”
“Tell me more.”
“Send many men miles away. Supposed to demolish work sites in five days Taking forever. Customers very mad. Some leaving town they’re so mad.”
“Are there any others you could send to help out?”
“Nyet. Make me look bad.”
“Do you have any friends you could call upon to help?”
“Nyet. Am out of favor right now. Used to be revered.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Mad enough to kill.”
“Are you serious? Because if you are threatening or planning to attack someone, I’d have to report it.”
“Why?”
“That’s the law.”
“Nyet, nyet, nothing like that, OK?”
“Is it just your job you’re worrying about?”
“Da.Nyet. Lose my job or worse.”
“What does that mean?”
“Salary, pension, benefits. All my money go away. People I send to do job are failing.”
“In what way?”
“Men I send are losing to competition, getting killed in the marketplace.”
“Perhaps you should go visit them and rally the troops.”
“Troops? Why did you say troops?”
“Just a figure of speech.”
“Nyet. You know something.”
“What?”
“I know where you live,” he says and hangs up.
“Was it something I said?”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, April 15, 2022
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