Feeling the pressure of Biden’s lead in the polls and Trump’s subsequent rages, his people have come up with new messages they hope will redeem him in the eyes of the American public. The plan is to affix his “Five and Twenty Theses” to the White House door, for all to see.
When Trump first heard about the plan, he hollered, “Feces? Are you crazy?”
“No, Sir,” said Vince Haley, his speech writer.” It’s theses. Theses. It means something like propositions, or statements of intent.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Because you’re tanking in the polls, Sir, and we figured you needed to do something really radical, but in a good kind of radical way, to save your presidency.
“Here they are, Sir,’ said Mr. Haley. Knowing Trump does not like to read, he begins to recite them:
1. I, Donald J. Trump, promise to stop lying if the American people give me a second term.
2. I will not cross my fingers behind my back when I take the oath of office at my second inauguration.
3. I will hold the bible right side up the next time I pepper-spray my protestors.
4. I will no longer kneel on the necks of the American people, but if I do it again I will remove my left hand from my pocket.
5. I will apologize to the coronavirus for causing it to get such bad press. No one deserves to be hated on like that. I should know.
6. In the future, I will rate all obese women a 10.
7. I will ask forgiveness for my intimate relationship with Putin. I was young and naive when we first met.
8. I will authorize my farmers a ton more money to make up for China’s tariff imbroglio.”
“Wait,” Trump says. “What’s that last thing you said?”
“Imbroglio, Sir. It means a mess.”
“Oh. OK. Go on.”
“9. I will share the new COVID-19 virus vaccine with Angela Merkel, assuming we get it first, and we will because we are great.
10. I will no longer allow my family to sell political favors to companies, domestic or foreign, who want to do business with the United States.”
“Hold on,” the President shouts. “Is this all supposed to come from me? Me who never gives in, never gives up, never tells the truth?”
“Yes, Sir, it is. You need to do something to please people other than your base.”
“My base loves me, they love me. They won’t love this crap. I’ve heard enough.”
“They will come around, Sir. It’s the rest of the electorate—women, suburbanites, educated whites, blacks and Latinxs and former Bernie Bros that we worry about.”
“But I don’t care about those people.”
“We know that, Sir. That’s the problem.”
“Don’t worry, Vince. Trump never loses.”
“We’ll find out soon enough.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, August 1, 2020
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