Rupert Murdoch was watching TV with his eldest son, Lachlan, in his Manhattan penthouse on Friday, March 10, when the program was interrupted by the following bulletin: “Five men who kidnapped four Americans and killed two of them were found today bound and gagged in Matamoros, Mexico, where the kidnapping took place.”
In one of the photos, five men lay face down, side by side on the pavement, with their hands tied behind their backs and their shirts pulled up over their heads. Police guards were standing over them.
Attached to one of the men was a note: “The Gulf Cartel, Scorpion Group, strongly condemns the events of last Friday.” The letter continued, criticizing a rogue element in the cartel for their heinous actions, “For this reason, we decided to hand over those directly involved and responsible for the acts, who at all times acted under their own determination and indiscipline and against the rules in which the cartel always operates.”
“Well, whaddya think of that?” said Murdoch, pouring himself another three fingers of brandy. “What a great publicity stunt. You gotta admire the balls on those guys.” He rose up quickly, downed the brandy and strode toward the door.
“What are you going to do, Daddy?” said Lachlan, leaning forward on the couch. “I don’t like that gleam in your eye.”
“You’ll see,” he said and took his phone into his office and shut the door.
Two days later, another bulletin interrupted their viewing of the Shark Tank.
“We interrupt this broadcast to report that three bodies were found, bound and gagged and left lying side by side and face down on Pennsylvania Avenue, in front of the White House.” The video showed that they were wrapped mummy-like, head to toe, in white muslin, bound together with duct tape and squirming like a trio of maggots.
“They have been identified as ex-President, Donald Trump; Rudy Giuliani and Tucker Carlson. Remarkably, they are all still alive.”
The reporter held out and read a note that had been attached to Tucker’s body: “These are the ones responsible for the lying, the killings, and the destruction of government property on Jan. 6. Not my fault. Please tell Dominion Voting Systems to drop the lawsuit! Signed, Rupert Murdoch”
“You didn’t!” cried Lachlan.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. You can contact Rosie at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2023
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