Rosie Sorenson

On June 18, 2025, Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, was rushed to the hospital with an “allergic reaction.”

The reason given for said reaction was kept hush-hush until one of the nurse’s aides on Kristi’s hospital floor blabbed to a friend who blabbed to a friend who, like friends do, called in to a local talk show.

“Her boobs exploded,” the young woman said with gusto. “Her implants couldn’t take the pressure changes in the plane she was flying in and, ‘boom’—flatter than a pancake.”

“But, what kind of plane was she in that the pressure changes could cause this kind of damage?” said Ron-the-Tom-Cat-Jackson, popular talk show host in Atlanta.

“Well, she was in a hurry to get back to the states; so she  hopped on the first cargo plane she could find to get out of El Salvador,” the girl said.

“Didn’t anyone tell her the pressure in that plane might be a problem?”

“As far as I know, they did, but you don’t know Kristi. She’s a tough-as-nails Barbie Bitch—don’t tell her I said that—but that’s her nickname.

“She was warned, but told them, ‘I can take it. You should know that by now. I shot my dog Cricket because he proved to be a wuss at hunting. Doesn’t that prove to you I’m tough as nails?’”

After a quick undo/redo, her surgeons outfitted Kristi with new industrial strength bags and sent her on her way. She was, however, warned not to spend too much time in the air as another disaster could strike at any time.

“And stop showing off with those Marine-style push-ups,” said Dr. Silver, Head of Surgery, “because if you ever fall over on your chest, we can’t guarantee they’d hold up.”

Even Barbie has her limitations.

Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She has a serious book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace,” which won a Zibby Award in 2024 for Best Story of Overcoming and an American Legacy Book Award in 2025.

Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.

See RosieSorenson.com.