Your Independent Journal from the Heartland
Stephen Miller, Trump’s Deputy Chief of Staff (and Joseph Goebbels look-alike) strides into the secretarial pool one morning to find everyone’s eyes glued to YouTube: a female Gorilla picking up a very small child who has fallen into the gorilla enclosure and handing it up to the worried human mother leaning over the fence; a donkey, raised by a young woman he hasn’t seen in years, braying and braying when she calls for him at the fence, hee-hawing loudly, crying really, extending his neck over the fence so she can cuddle him; a mama Koala, sitting on the ground, cuddling her baby in one arm and then, when she sees a lonely kitten stroll up to her, reaches out and cuddles him into her other arm.
Sheila, the lead secretary, oohing and ahhing, says, “Isn’t that amazing how two different animal species can actually get along and help each other? Makes you wonder about humans, doesn’t it? Like, why can’t we all get along?”
Murmurs of agreement ripple through the room.
“Balderdash,” cries Miller as he rushes towards them. “This is what’s wrong with you humans: getting all gooey-eyed and soft and losing your edge!”
“But, but—” they say in unison.
“No ‘buts,’ now get back to work.”
Miller turns on the heels of his shiny black boots and storms back to his office, red-faced and hollering, “I’ll fire the next bitch or bastard I catch watching that crap. We are drowning in empathy here, and it’s making us weak, killing our warrior spirit. It’s a Democrat plot to interfere with our agenda!”
“Which is what?” asks Marie, a short, slim brunette. The other secretaries cringe and whisper, “Did she really say that?”
“What’s your name?” Miller fires back, glaring as if to vaporize her with his stare.
“Marie,” she says, unfazed. “You should know, you hired me.”
“Well, then, Marie, you should know what our agenda is!”
All blank faces.
“Let me remind you, people. We’re here to start a Civil War, for chrisssakes, you dumb bitches! What else do you think our administration is all about?”
“Uh,” says Susie, a small, red-haired woman. “Did you say Civil War—uh, like the last time, with Lincoln and everything?”
Miller whirls around and stomps out into the hallway in disgust, thrusting his right arm in the air, shouting to his staff, “Meeting! Now! Board Room!”
When all are assembled, he begins his rant.
“Look, people. Trump is livid. He’s counting on us for a Civil War. He’s doing his part, but no matter how much he threatens to take over their cities, people are not taking up arms against us. They’ve become soft, inured to our threats. They are turning to pets and all other manner of creatures to comfort their spirits and assuage their fears. This MUST be stopped!
“Tomorrow, Trump is going to sign an Executive Order to ban all zoos and to order the sale of their animals to the highest bidder; all of said money will go into his Presidential Library fund. All videos of sweet, cuddly animals will be banned from YouTube and other social media. He’s also banning all stuffed animals.
“These animals are the opiate of the masses, keeping our populace soothed, docile and loving. We can’t have that. Putin will be pissed if we can’t rile them up enough to start shooting and to finish Trump’s Final Solution—to kill off the Woke Agenda because Woke means lassitude. It means wussy.
“We must have people agitated enough to lock, load, and take aim at our soldiers and each other.”
Max, a tall, skinny low-level assistant, strolls in with his emotional support animal, a tiny Yorkie, tucked under his arm. Miller lunges for it, throws it to the ground and crushes it’s skull, under the force of his black boot. The puppy had no time to cry out. Max faints.
“See? No guts, no grit, no glory. Without those we are doomed. Not only must we own the Libs, we must own EVERYONE!
“Putin’s counting on us!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She has a new (serious) book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace,” available on Amazon if you can’t find it at your neighborhood bookstore.
Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com.
See RosieSorenson.com
